When the three-year-old boy was introduced to his new neighbors, he hid his face in his mother’s skirt. When a new kindergarten teacher asked her name, the 4-year-old girl blushed and opened her mouth without saying a word. We can all feel the pain of these shy children. Most of us have been shy at one point or another. What causes shyness? How can we help our children overcome these feelings?
Reasons for Shyness
Researchers have identified two obvious pathways that lead to shyness. The first one is biological. About one in five children seems to be born with a biological predisposition to be timid. From early childhood – and sometimes even earlier – these children feel uncomfortable with new people and new environments. Shy children tend to be picky eaters, avoid trying new foods, and are reluctant to take on new challenges.
Half of the toddlers who exhibit this pattern are still shy by age 6; One in four teens is still shy during their teenage years and may remain shy throughout their lives. For them, shyness seems to be a temperament or a natural tendency.
Another avenue of shyness is situational. For these children, shyness is a temporary response to stress. A parent’s illness, moving to a new home, or a change in parenting style can trigger shyness in toddlers or preschoolers, or even older children. Once the underlying situation is resolved or the child becomes more comfortable, the shyness usually disappears.
Help Shy Children
Usually, shyness is nothing to worry about, unless it is part of a series of fears that can cause recurrent emotional distress or social problems in the child. Even so, shy children can benefit from a variety of things that can help improve their self-confidence and social skills. Here are some suggestions:
Support it. Remember that when dealing with shy children, your attitude should be gentle and supportive, encouraging, not forced. Shy children can easily lose control of their emotions. Asking too much too quickly can make your child more anxious, not lessened.
Avoid labels. When Sarah behaves in this way, try not to say things like “Sarah is just shy”–especially in front of Sarah, as Sarah may perceive her behavior as a trait rather than a temporary state. Toddlers and preschoolers may also interpret this label as a reasonable excuse to get out of uncomfortable social situations. Instead, you could say something like, “Sarah is having a hard time meeting new people, but she’s trying to figure it out.” ”
No teasing. Don’t make fun of your child because she’s shy. This only embarrassed her and made the problem worse.
Practice. Rehearse stressful social activities at home. For some preschoolers, the combination of new friends, new environments, and new activities is huge. For example, if your child doesn’t feel comfortable singing with other children in preschool, help him practice Xi with you at home. This practice Xi will help make singing at school less scary and more fun.
Take it easy. Try not to overwhelm your child with too much companionship or too much stimulation. Shy children often prefer to play with one friend at a time rather than with a group of friends. Don’t force him to participate in large group activities.
Be a leader. Encourage the shy child to occasionally play with a child who is a year or two younger than him. This puts the shy child in a leadership position, which she rarely feels among her peers. It may also give him more confidence when she plays with children her age.