We all love to be praised… Including toddlers. Adore! Testimonials! Compliments! They all feel good. But it turns out that sending out too many and vague “Well done!” and “Well done!” After all, don’t do so many good things. Worse still, this honor can erode a child’s self-esteem and enterprising spirit. Does this mean that you should avoid acknowledging your child’s good behavior, their artistic and athletic achievements, and their thoughtful ways? Not at all. You just need to rethink how and why to praise your precious child. Here, there are some suggestions to cheer about.
Why You Shouldn’t Say “Well Done” Again
“Well done”, and all its iterations, seem harmless. Your child has finished eating peas: well done! Your child draws a picture: Well done! Your child remembers to put away the toy train: it’s great! But what exactly does “well done” convey to a young child? It’s an empty compliment that doesn’t articulate to your child what they’ve achieved “good.” In addition, it is believed that when children hear constant and vague praise, it actually weakens their intrinsic motivation to do what they are praised.
If you exaggerate (you’re the smartest kid in the class!) It’s the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen! You’re the best boy in the world! Children may think that they are considered good at something, which makes it harder for them to solve unexpected difficulties they may encounter along the way. Finally, mountains of praise may make your child disbelieve in praise and/or need sustained applause to feel a sense of self-worth.
Should You Still Praise Your Child?
Yes! Early childhood is a frustrating time, and a little encouragement can go a long way. Studies have shown that parents who praise their children daily and find that they are doing well find that their children’s well-being improves, compared to those who do not receive praise. The key to success lies in how adults express honor and what exactly they say. Here are the basics:
Please Be Specific
A big problem with “well done” is the vagueness of praise. If you want your child to genuinely feel praised and encourage their good behavior, be clear about what you’re praising for.
For example, when you see your child’s impressive brick tower, instead of saying “well done,” try saying “see how you put the smaller blocks on top of the bigger ones!” That’s how to build a tower!”
For example, your child puts his coat away. Continue “You take your jacket off and put it away yourself.” Thank you! Instead of “Well done!” Think of it this way: if you share with your child why they are doing so well, they can replicate the behavior again and again.
Acknowledging Good Attempts
When your child tries, cheer them on even if they don’t fully succeed. (“It’s good to pour milk!”) “You put some toys away. Thank you! When you point out and praise steady progress, your child will feel like success every step of the way, which builds resilience.
Praise the action, not the child.
“Good job! Focus on results, not process. But it’s the process that you want to focus on, as it encourages experimentation, skill building, confidence, and determination. You see, when you praise your child (“You played soccer so well!”), it will convey the message that you value this particular fixed ability. However, when you shout about the process (“You worked hard and did a great job with the ball on the field!”). You’re telling your child that you value this effort… And the effort is under your child’s control.
This subtle shift in focus is very impactful: research in the journal Child Development has found that young children who are praised for their efforts cope with challenges in a more positive and productive way at ages 7 and 8 than young children who are praised alone. (Feeling lazy? “Very good effort” is a quick cut of that applause. ）
Outstanding Advantages
Feed your child the complimented “balanced diet”. Think of compliments as a delicious casserole dish filled with lots of somen noodles (aka: cool attention) and a large glass of delicious sauce (think: mild compliments) topped with a dash of tangy cheese (cheers and celebrations). The foundation of the praise casserole is attention and encouragement, which can be done throughout the day by simply telling them about what your child has achieved. Think about it:”Look at you! You’ve done the puzzle alone! Or “I see you reach the top of the climbing structure!” Your smile and enthusiasm tell them everything they need to know!
Changes over Time
Toddlers between the ages of 12 and 18 months thrive on enthusiastic smiles, applause, and a few happy words… Repeat over and over again. For example, “yes! You’re coming to mom so soon… Soon! Yes! It’s so fast! But when young children reach 18 to 36 months of age, it’s best to cut back on excessive praise and rely mostly on a bright smile, a thumbs up, and some humble praise. (“Hmm… You’ve built a tower! If you make a fuss, older children may feel ridiculed or even looked down upon. Keep a low profile and focus on the process, not the end result.